DEAR SARI

Dear Sari: Sex and Relationship Advice from Dr. Sari Locker

Dr. Sari Locker's advice to readers' questions. People write to "Dear Sari" to get advice about relationships, health, psychology and more. Read what Sari Says.

 

 

Communication

Dear Sari, How do I know if I am pleasing my girlfriend sexually?

Sari Says: Talk with her. Some people are uncomfortable voicing their likes and dislikes in bed since they may think it's embarrassing, or they may fear that giving directions could hurt their partner's feelings. So make it known that you want some information, advice, or constructive criticism by asking her questions. Since open-ended queries like "What do you like?" might leave her tongue-tied, consider giving her choices: do you like this or that? Even during sex, try asking, "Should I go faster or slower?" You can also talk about it in a non-sexual moment before the next time you have sex, saying, "I really want to please you and I'm not sure if I am. What can I do differently?" This shows you're truly concerned about her pleasure.

Dear Sari, How do I ask my partner to try something different, like a new sex position?

Sari Says: Suggesting new activities can add a whole new level of excitement, but be careful: Some partners might interpret your proposal as a sign that you're unsatisfied with what you two are currently doing between the sheets. To put all fears to rest, frame your new request as a compliment. Say, "Our sex life is so great that I feel I can be really open about my desires." Then add your new idea, "…and I've been thinking it would be fun to try ______. What do you think?"

Dear Sari, What should I say -- and not say -- after sex?

Sari Says: It’s totally common to feel at a loss for words right after an intimate encounter, whether that’s out of pure exhaustion or a little awkwardness. But a few choice words can really enhance the “afterplay.” It’s worth it to speak up, if only to keep your partner from silently worrying, Did my partner enjoy that? You don’t need to say much, just enough to let your lover know that you’re content. Try something simple, like, “That felt so good.” Or, “I felt really connected with you.” Sometimes discussing what you enjoyed more specifically is a good way to steer your partner to your particular turn-ons, which can set the stage for even better sex the next time. However, don’t go through a detailed play-by-play analysis—that can detract from the intimacy by making it seem as if you’re judging or grading the sexual encounter.

Dear Sari, How do I tell my partner when I'm not in the mood for sex?

Sari Says: Even the most in-sync lovers can end up in this situation, and it’s a tough one since being turned down can be a blow to your lover’s ego. But there are many ways to say “no” that won’t hurt your lover’s feelings. Try “I’m not in the mood now, but what if I wake you up in the morning for a sexy surprise?” Or suggest scheduling a “sex date” for a time in the future when you know you’ll be energized. You’re not only giving your partner something to look forward to, but are making it clear that the issue is purely timing rather than a lack of attraction on your end.

Dear Sari, How and when should I mention to dates that I don't want to sleep with one person exclusively?
Sari Says: If you want to play the field -- or if you're polyamorous -- you have to be honest about it, and no, that doesn’t mean you have to blurt out “I just thought I’d let you know I don’t want a monogamous relationship” on your very first date. It’s fine, in my book, to wait to see if some chemistry develops, but there does come a point when you absolutely should discuss your attitudes: before you have sex. For many people, sex and commitment go hand-in-hand for the various reasons (like to feel intimate and secure—or because of their religious beliefs -- or for some they think it will lower their risk of STIs). So it’s only fair to let your prospective partner know the deal. Just say, “I really like you and feel like we might want to have sex some time soon. So it’s only fair to let you know I don’t want to sleep with anyone exclusively right now.” If your partner asks why, tell the truth. Is it a timing issue, like “I want to focus on my career, not on one relationship”? Or, “I’ve just gotten out of a long-term relationship and don’t feel ready for a commitment just yet”? Or is it because of your personal beliefs about relationships? Your date may decide to continue seeing you anyway, or he or she may decide to bail—but even if that happens, rest assured, you’ve avoided what would have become a huge mess later on.

 

Dear Sari, Help! I've had very little sexual experience and have started dating a woman who's very experienced. Should I tell her?
Sari Says: Confessing to your lack of experience is probably a good idea, and here's why: If you keep mum and your performance ends up being less than what is pleasing to you (or her), then she will have no way of knowing that you just may have more to learn. By telling her, you and she can work together to discover what you can do to be a great lover. She may even enjoy finding out you're a sexual novice, since you come across as a guy who she gets all to herself. You can play up this angle by telling her it was your choice to not sleep around, explaining "I've had my opportunities, but I don't like having sex with someone unless it's serious." The bottom line is, wowing someone in bed comes down to feeling close to your partner, and keeping an open, eager-to-please attitude. And that's something you don't get from a plethora of sexual partners.

Dear Sari, I found a vibrator under my girlfriend's bed. I want to confront her, but I also want her to let me use it with her.
Sari Says: It’s her vibrator. She uses it for masturbation. This is sort of equal to if she found your favorite porn website in your computer history, and then she confronted you and asked if you could use it together. You might be into it, but it could also be embarrassing to you. If you want to talk with her about her vibrator, then please do not “confront” her -- just casually mention it. Say something like, “Hey, I saw your vibrator under the bed. If that’s something that you like to just have for yourself to use in private, then that’s cool. But if you ever want to use it together, then let’s.” It’s fine if she wants to use it with you, but if not, then forget it. She sometimes needs to satisfy herself her way, and in that case, keep your paws off of her vibrating toy. You can always get your own.

Dear Sari, My girlfriend says her ex-boyfriend was some kind of virtuoso in the sack. What can I do, physically, to boost my performance?

Sari Says: Physically, what can you do? Plug your ears and move your mouth: tell her to never talk about him again. There’s no reason why you ever should have been told about her ex’s sexual prowess, and now you need to forget what you know. Focus on the ways that you and she can please each other by talking with her about what she enjoys with you, not what she liked with anyone else. You are shaping your sex life together. Improve your performance by having fun with her in bed. Don’t make it a threesome by bringing her ex- into your mind every time you’re with her.

Dear Sari, She yells so loud during sex that it wakes up my neighbors. Loud in bed. Is there a solution?
Sari Says: It’s great that she expresses herself in bed, if it’s genuine, that is. Ask her if her vocalization is all-natural, or if she cranks it up to 9 just to boost your ego. If it’s a put on, then tell her that you’d prefer her to whisper in your ear. But if her shrieks and moans are 100% pure, then here are some ways to tone it down: Kiss her during sex, so her mouth is too full to scream. Ask to try totally silent sex, just for variation. Blast hip-hop to drown her out. If nothing works, all you can do is try to get into it. As far as your neighbors go, they probably assume that you just have the volume too loud on your porn movies, anyway. If that thought doesn’t help you, then try this: Complain to your neighbors about how much the loud couple next door has been bothering you and your girlfriend.

Dear Sari, What is the definition of SEXTING?
Sari Says: Here's how I define "Sexting." “Sexting” means sex texting -- sending or receiving a text message that has sexual content. “Sexting” also refers to sending nude, semi-nude, or erotic pictures or video via cell phone. “Sexting” could mean sending and receiving a series of sexually explicit text messages for sexual gratification in the same manner as phone sex. (“Sexting” is generally not used to refer to having sexy conversations via cell phone, since that would still be called “phone sex.”) “Sexting” may be intended to be flirtatious or provocative, or it may be used to request or arrange a sexual encounter.

Dear Sari, How should I introduce my vibrator to use during sex with my boyfriend?

Sari Says: Many men would enthusiastically welcome the use of sex toys in bed and thank their stars they’ve found a woman who’s comfortable enough to share this side of her sex life with them. But since some men might worry that your vibrator is making up for his shortcomings, you’re best off making it clear that it’s something you want to share with him rather than use to shut him out. You could say, “I want to show you something I really find a turn-on, and I hope you will too.” When you bring it out, show him first how you use it on yourself (a sexy show few men wouldn’t enjoy seeing) and then ask, “Do you want to see how it feels?” and try using it on him (men can find it arousing, too). Or, ask him to wield the controls during sex. Once guys see how your vibrator is just an accessory to lovemaking rather than his replacement, he’ll probably be fine with it.

Dear Sari, I sometimes fantasize about other men during sex with my boyfriend. I know that's normal, but I worrry that I will call out another guy's name! I have come close to doing it! Help!
Sari Says: In the heat of the moment, there´s no telling what you might say. If you say a different guy´s name, it will certainly ruin the mood -- unless your partner ignores it (knowing that accidents happen). If it happens, you can tell him that all the blood left your brain and is in your genitals. It was not intentional, nor should he read anything into it. Tell him that you care about him, he´s sexy, and that you were so into the sex you lost your mind. See if he´ll let you make it up to him. In the future: The best way to avoid this... do not say any names during sex, ever.

Dear Sari, During sex I sometimes fantasize about sex with my ex. I even fantasize about sex with my boyfriend's ex (a woman)! How should I handle this, and should I tell my boyfriend?

Sari Says: It´s normal to have these kinds of sexual fantasies. This does not mean that you would want to have sex with your ex (or with his ex). It just means that you have an active imagination during sex, and a natural way to spice up your sex life in your own mind. Here´s how to handle it: Be sure to recognize that this is not something to act out. Don´t talk about it with your partner. He does not need to know, and it will only confuse or upset him. While you should talk openly about sex with him, some fantasies are best kept to yourself.

Dear Sari, What do I do if I laugh during sex and it makes my boyfriend mad?

Sari Says: Sex is supposed to be fun, and laughter should be okay during sex. But if he feels like you were laughing at him during sex, then you may have hurt his feelings. If his moaning and groaning reminds you of Meg Ryan eating a corned beef sandwich in Harry Met Sally, and you just can´t help but laugh, then you may really be hurting his feelings. Immediately let him know, "it´s not you it´s me." Tell him that you don´t mean any harm, and you are just enjoying the sex with him.

 

Body Image

Dear Sari, What is the average size of an erection?

Sari Says: The average erect penis is about five inches to five and a half inches long. (Research varies, but it is generally in that range.) An erect penis on average is about four and a half inches in girth. But if you're smaller or larger, don't worry about your penis size! Who wants to be average anyway. All penises are wonderful, and they can all give you great pleasure.

Dear Sari, My penis is curved 25 or 30 degrees to the left. Is there something wrong with me? It's really embarrassing because I never know how to explain it to women.

Sari Says: Penises come in all sizes and shapes, and it’s normal for them to curve in any direction. (However, if your erection causes you physical pain or if the curve increases to more than 45 degrees, then you should see a urologist because that could indicate a condition called Peyronie’s Disease.) If your penis health and functioning is fine, then there’s no need to worry. You certainly shouldn’t be embarrassed when a woman sees it. If she has seen enough other penises, then she knows that they vary, and she’ll probably be fine with it. If she has never seen anything like it, and recoils in disgust, then it’s your job to help her love it. That can only happen if you love it first! Raise you penis-pride by thinking about all the pleasure that your penis brings you. Then to help her love it, let her know about the special things it can do because of its curve, such as provide unique stimulation inside her vagina, and make it easier for her to fellate you when she’s lying on her side. You have something wonderful between your legs, so learn how to appreciate it and understand that you penis is awesome just the way it is.

Dear Sari, Does a woman's vagina get looser if she has sex with a man with a large penis? My girlfriend feels much looser than my ex-girlfriend. Has she only been with well-hung men?

Sari Says: The tightness of a woman’s vagina is not related to the size of the penises that have been inside it. It’s a myth that a woman’s vagina becomes permanently stretched out from having sex with a man with a large penis. After each sexual encounter, the vagina contracts to its original size, and it has no lasting stretching from a large penis. The only way that a woman’s vagina may stretch significantly is after she has a baby, and as you know a baby is much larger than any human penis. But even after having a baby, the vagina can strengthen to be as it was before. Often Kegel exercises can help. A woman's tightness is often related to the muscle tone of the muscles in her pelvic region. "PC" (pubococcygeal) muscles that control the flow of urine can be more toned in some women, causing their vaginal walls to feel tighter. These muscles can be strengthened if a woman performs Kegel exercises. However, many women find that Kegel exercises are not right for them, because it takes daily sets of hundreds of reps of Kegels to make a difference. Also, no one should feel pressured or shamed about their body, and there's no need to adjust one's body for someone else.
Also, the tightness or looseness of a woman's vagina is not only about her muscles. It is highly related to how aroused a woman is -- or if she is even interested in having sex at all. When a woman’s vagina feels very tight during sex, it could be that her vagina is not well lubricated, or her muscles could be contracting because she is anxious or maybe not interested in sex at that time. If your girlfriend’s vagina feels loose, then that could mean that she is easily turned-on and very interested in having sex with you. When a woman is highly aroused, her vagina lubricates, and when a woman is very comfortable with sex and with her partner, her muscles may relax easily. Perhaps that's why your girlfriend feels the way she does to you. One final word: Stop thinking about your exgirlfriend. And stop worrying about your girlfriend's exboyfriends. The worst thing you can do for your sex life is thinking about who was there first. She’s with you now, so enjoy her.


Dear Sari, What are Kegel exercises? Can they tighten a woman's vagina? Do they do anything for men? Exactly how are Kegels done?

Sari Says: Kegel exercises were developed by Dr. Arnold Kegel in the 1940’s. They involve contracting the pubococcygeal (PC) muscles that control the flow of urine in men or women. They were originally intended to help women regain bladder control after childbirth. They are helpful for people who have some urinary incontinence (such as peeing when you sneeze). They have potential to make the vagina feel tighter. They were also found to have the effect of increasing orgasmic intensity in women and men. Also, some men report that it can help them understand the sensations in their penis and pelvic muscles, so they feel more control over when they want to ejaculate during sex.
Kegel exercises involve flexing the PC muscle a lot of times in a row. For maximum benefit, you should perform Kegel exercises throughout the day, everyday, doing a total of about 200 per day. Even thought it’s not as strenuous as, say, sit ups or push ups, it still takes time and perseverance. That’s why they are not successful for everyone!
To learn how to do Kegels, you first need to isolate the PC muscle. Do this by stopping and starting the flow of urine. The muscle you are moving is the PC muscle. Once you can feel it, you’re ready to begin working it out. Do not do Kegels while you are urinating. Rather do they any other time throughout your day.
For women to perform Kegel exercises, here’s what they should do. Try one of the following three types of exercises:
-- Tighten and relax the PC muscle 10 times in a row. Do this for 10 sets per session, twice a day. You can flex it like this anytime, anywhere. The motion is not visible on the outside at all for women.
-- Tighten and hold for three to seven seconds. Do this for 10 sets per session, up to twice a day, anytime, anywhere.
-- Tighten the muscle slowly, in increments going in and out, like an elevator stopping on several floors. Do this for 10 sets per session, up to twice a day, anytime, anywhere.
For a man’s PC workout, all he has to do is flex the muscle in repeated sets. He can tighten and relax the PC muscle 10 times in a row, for 10 sets per session, twice a day. He doesn’t even need to touch his penis—just let the muscle move on its own. Usually, this will cause his penis to flick up a bit. He might not want to do it in public, so no one sees his penis dancin’ in his pants.
Like any exercise, the more consistent you are with it, the faster you will see results. In most people, it takes six weeks to notice a difference. Give it a try, it can’t hurt, and you may even like the way it feels. Some men and women report that when they start to do Kegel exercises, they get so turned on from the way it feels when they flex the PC muscle that it makes them want to masturbate!

Dear Sari, How is sex different with an uncircumcised penis (for the partner)?

Sari Says: The foreskin is most noticeable when a man is not erect. So when he’s erect, during intercourse, especially if you’re using a condom, the difference may not even be noticeable. For most uncircumcised men, the foreskin automatically retracts when they have an erection. It may move back and forth during sex. In some uncircumcised men, the foreskin may not retract fully, even when erect. There are some who say that the head of their penis is too sensitive unless the foreskin is over it even when erect. As with everything with sex, it’s individual, so if your potential partner is uncircumcised talk about this with him.

Dear Sari, I am overweight and self-conscious about having someone I am dating see me naked. Is there anything I can do to alleviate my anxiety before the big night when we first sleep together?

Sari Says: You try to work on your self-consciousness by shifting your focus away from aspects of your body that distract you, and toward parts of your body that you really like. All people have something they’re proud of, whether that’s their arms, feet, or a sexy smile. Say out loud all of the things you love about your body and why (e.g., “I love the color of my eyes because they’re dark and mysterious.”). You don't need to change yourself for someone else. But I will mention that some people who are overweight find that starting a workout programs helps boost their self-image—and no, you don’t have to wait weeks or months until the pounds start coming off. Your outlook may improve almost instantly, since just knowing you’re making changes can have a magical effect on your mindset. As for the big night, know it’s fine to work within your comfort zone and you don't have to jump into it fully nude. You can cover up so you don’t feel too exposed. Try wearing a silk nightie or lighting some candles to look radiant. Also, keep in mind that your new partner is lucky to be with you! It's not about your size, but about how you feel together.

Dear Sari, I like every part of my body except my breasts. They are quite saggy while the rest of my body is toned and muscular. I never want to take off my bra in front of a man. Am I the only twentysomething with this problem? Is there anything I can do to get over this when I date a new guy?

Dear Sari, I'm 24, and I don't like my saggy breasts, and my girfriend has perfect breasts. I never want her to see mine, and I always try to hide my breasts during sex with her. What should I do?

Sari Says:
Many twentysomething women have body images issues, and it's great to try to work out these issues at this point in your life. It is very common for women to dislike the way their breasts hang. But for breasts of a certain size, that's just what they do. You should try hard to improve the way you feel about them! Here are some ideas to help:
1 -- Realize that you can find ways to accept your breasts, if you stop thinking of the way they hang as a bad thing. Breasts naturally hang down, and that's just the way they are. (Lots of porn doesn’t show what breasts really look like, because the photographer goes to great lengths to prop up the breasts, such as by having the woman put her hands over her head). In real life...gravity just pulls breasts down, and you should realize that it’s just nature. You can reframe how you think about the way your breasts hang. Stop thinking of them as “saggy” and start thinking of them as “natural” or as “relaxed” or as “feminine” or as having gorgeous curves.
2 -- Stop compartmentalizing your body, and see it as one whole unit. Your whole body is beautiful. If you start to think about your breasts, then stop and tell yourself that you must think of your whole body. You love your body as a whole, and that includes your breasts.
3 -- Think about how great your breasts can feel, not just about how they look. When you're alone, experiment with stimulating your breasts. If you can appreciate them for how great they can feel, then you may worry less about them, and enjoy them more with a partner, too.

4-- Realize that any partner is lucky to see your breasts and your nude body. You are giving your partner a great gift by showing him or her. Allow yourself to feel that what you have is precious and wonderful, and your partner will love it no matter what. Most people do not notice the things that you think they notice anyway. If you do not mention your breast issue, and instead you flaunt your breasts to show that you love them your partner will love them, too!
5 -- Beyond just adjusting your attitude about your breasts, you can find a bra that your breasts look great it, and it is fine to sometimes wear one during sex. Of course, all the other things that I have suggested are to help you get over your insecurity and stop hiding your breasts. But if you truly love the way your breasts look in a bra, then it can help you love them in general, too! Shop for a gorgeous yet supportive bra. In most major department stores’ bra department, there will be someone who can help you find a good fit, and you have to try a lot on to see which one will fit best. Insist on buying a bra that is also sexy. Start with trying on a lacey bra with a bit of cleavage and an underwire. You may also like a solid molded cup bra with an underwire. Keep trying until you find something you look great wearing.
6 -- Realize that the last thing you should be thinking about when you're nude with a partner, or during sex, is what your breasts look like. Enjoy the feelings in your body and focus your thinking on those feelings – not on what you think your partner might be looking at or thinking. If you start obsessing about what you think your breasts look like, tell yourself STOP. Then think about exactly where you are feeling pleasure.

Dear Sari, Is it okay for parents to walk around nude in front of their young children?

Sari Says: Yes. It is healthy for children to see their parents' nude bodies, because it teaches them that bodies are natural (not only sexual) and that not every body is perfect. This is assuming that the parents are nude in healthy ways (eg. when dressing and undressing, showering, doing things around the house prior to dressing, when only family is home, etc). It is never healthy -- and it is considered abusive -- if the parents' nudity is used to shock or entertain the child, or for the arousal of the adult. Also, note that when children notice changes in their own bodies (usually just prior to the onset of puberty, or around age 10, 11, 12) they often become modest about themselves, and may become uncomfortable seeing their parents nude around their home. Children will usually say something when they want their parents to stop being nude -- such as, "Can you please put on some clothes!" Then parents should get dressed. It's most healthy for the child to see that their parents respect boundaries about nudity. Parents should be careful to pick up on cues from a child of any age if the nudity is making the child uncomfortable. If you sense that it is, then get dressed.

Dear Sari, Michael Phelps has a size 14 foot, so does that mean he has a VERY large penis?

Sari Says: Penis size is not equivalent to shoe size. When it was widely reported during the 2008 Olympics that superstar swimmer Michael Phelps was 6' 4" tall, with a 6'7" arm span, and a size 14 foot, it fueled gossip about the size of the rest of his anatomy. Viewers became even more curious when the outline of his penis was sometimes visible in his bathing suit. The fact is that you will never know the size of Michael Phelps' penis unless you have the chance to measure it yourself. Michael Phelps' penis size remains a mystery -- and is really none of our business, right! While there are many theories about penis size, none have been proven to be accurate. The correlation between penis size and shoe size, nose size, hand size, and distance between thumb and first finger have all been researched in legitimate scientific studies. None are related to the size of the penis. I am guessing that the most accurate way to predict a man's penis size may be to measure his dad's penis and/or his mother's father's penis. But this study has yet to be done.

Dear Sari, Is there anything I can do to enlarge my penis? Pills? Lotions? Surgery?
Sari Says: Pills and lotions do not increase penis size. Do not believe it if you hear that any pills or lotions will work. There is no way to enlarge your penis using those kinds of method. Ignore any advertisements or infomercials on this topic. You might be able to make your penis look longer if you are overweight and you lose a lot of weight, because it may appear longer once the fat pad around it is reduced. Some guys find that trimming their pubic hair a little may also make their penis look longer. However, some partner could find trimmed pubic hair to be a turn-off. There is such a thing as penile enlargement surgery, but it often does not achieve the results a man would want. There are two ways that it could be done. One: Surgically cutting the ligament to make the penis look longer when limp, but doesn’t add length when erect. Or: Injecting fat into the penis to make it thicker. Both procedures have very high complication rates, which can result in a mushy or lumpy penis from poor fat transfer; or a penis that “hangs loose” from cutting the ligament, making it unable to adequately penetrate during sex. Maybe newer or better procedures have come along, but still it probably isn’t worth the risks. Learn to love what you have instead! Really learn to love your size and learn to work with your size to have a great sex life. Feel penis pride and your partner will love it too.

Dear Sari, Once and for all: DOES PENIS SIZE MATTER to women?!

Sari Says: Does a guy’s penis size matter to a woman? That depends. Penis size is often irrelevant when it comes to a partner having an orgasm. In fact, most women have orgasms from clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is located above the vagina, so the penis does not come into direct contact with it during thrusting in penile-vaginal intercourse. In that respect, therefore, size does not matter, and rather knowing how she likes her clitoris stimulated matters for her orgasmic pleasure. However... Penis size can matter to a woman depending what she likes to feel inside her vagina. Then the issue become more about compatibility, rather than penis size. If her vagina is tight, and a penis is very large, then it might hurt her, and she might not like it. She may prefer a small penis. If her vagina is wide, and a penis is very small, then she might not feel it too much. Penis size matters to this woman if she likes to feel "filled up" in her vagina during sex. She will still be able to have orgasms from her clitoris when her clitoris is stimulated. Keep in mind that sexual pleasure is not only achieved from the amount of pressure or friction she feels in her vagina.

Dear Sari, My boyfriend told me that I have "long lips," and he wasn't talking about the lips on my face. What is the normal length of inner labia?

Sari Says: There is not one length that is "normal." In fact, there is a great deal of variation in the length and thickness of inner labia, or lips, of the vagina. The size of labia does not affect sexual pleasure. I will note that some women may feel the need to use their fingers to push the labia out of the way of their vaginal opening immediately prior to penile penetration. Or when with a partner of any gender is performing oral sex on them, they may choose to adjust their labia if they like a lot of direct clitoral stimulation. This is normal and natural. Love what you have long, short, or in between -- and ignore your boyfriend's comments, since he shouldn't be comparing your body to anyone else's body, anyway. Seriously, please forget he ever said anything.

Dear Sari, My nipples on both my breasts go in, instead of sticking out. I am embarrassed by them. What's wrong with me? Can I get surgery to change my "innies"?

Sari Says: If your nipples have always been this way, then you have "inverted nipples." Inverted nipples are totally normal. Between 2 percent and 10 percent of women have one or two inverted nipples. Most inverted nipples will come out when they are stimulated by cold or touch or arousal. If this is what you have, then your nipples still function normally. In case you’re wondering, you will be able to breast feed just fine someday (if you choose to have a baby), because inverted nipples usually come out during lactation. On the other hand, if your inverted nipples never ever come out no matter how hard you try to get them out, or if they previously were always out and suddenly inverted, then you must see a doctor, because this can indicate a health issue. If you've always had inverted nipples, and they do come out when stimulated, then generally the only real issue that some women have with inverted nipples is embarrassment, as you have expressed. I advise that you learn to love your special nipples. You can learn how to simulate them so that they come out when you want them to, and you can teach this to a future partner. Think of your inverted nipples as a fun part of your body!
There is a surgical procedure that a plastic surgeon can do to make your nipples come out. However, inverted nipple surgery does not guarantee that they will definitely stay out. Some people have the surgery and then the nipples go back in afterwards. Also, you may lose nipple sensation, and after surgery, pleasurable feelings of having them touched (or licked) may disappear. Most importantly, if you have the surgery, then you may never be able to breastfeed. The surgery usually cuts the fibers that lead to the milk ducts, thus freeing the nipple to poke out, but stopping milk from getting to the nipples. There are some procedures that may spare the milk ducts, but it could still be risky. It may not be worth the risk.

Dear Sari, What is queefing? Why does it happen? Is there a way to stop queefing?

Sari Says: Sometimes air in the vagina may make a noise during thrusting. Some people call it queefing, some say it's a vaginal fart, some people never use a word for it. The best thing to do about it is accept that it sometimes happens; it is natural and normal. But if you want to try something to reduce the frequency of its occurrence, here are some ideas. To make this less likely, think about the positions in which it usually occurs and then modify those positions. (Every woman's body is different, so you'd have to find those positions for yourself.) Also, queefing occurs with in-and-out thrusting, not with grinding. So you could thrust less, I suppose... Of course, you should never be so self-conscious about a normal aspect of your body that you avoid thrusting, or always avoid certain positions. If it happens to you, you can tell your partner it´s just air moving in and out of your vagina. Also, it´s okay to laugh about it.

 

Kissing & Foreplay
Dear Sari, Is it possible to create sexual chemistry, or is this a lost cause?

Sari Says: In the best situations, all you have to do is glance at someone and the two of you feel the magic. If that isn't automatically there for you, it is possible to create it, and here's how: Find a few little things about the person that you like, and then try to feel turned on by those things, rather than the person as a whole. Such as, "Ooooh, this person has the greatest eyes, and that really gets me hot." Your sexual feelings and interest in this relationship may grow from there. However, if after several weeks or months you're still not feeling it, then it's just not meant to be. Any good relationship should contain a hot sexual component (especially at the beginning), and no one should have to compromise. You deserve the whole package: compatibility and great chemistry.

Dear Sari, Can you tell me some creative, unique sexy ways to kiss?

Sari Says: Sexy New Kiss #1: The Waterfall Kiss

The next time you’re walking your date home and it starts raining, consider grabbing your sweetie and giving a long smooch, sans umbrella. The wetness of your face and lips will give this kiss an incredibly sensual vibe.

Sexy New Kiss #2: The Tickle-Me Kiss

For a lighter, more playful night of necking, forget about your lips for a second and try using a new tool in your kissing arsenal: your eyelashes. Fluttered against a check or temple, they’ll deliver a barely-there sensation that will leave your lover wanting more, much more.

Sexy New Kiss #3: The Roundabout Kiss

The outer edges of your lips are a sensitive, but oft-ignored, area—so try revving your amour’s motor by trying this move. Trace the tip of your tongue along this periphery, a move that does wonders.

Sexy New Kiss #4: The Power Kiss

Sometimes the most passionate kisses have very little to do with your mouth. Rather, it’s the commanding way you use your hands that can make sparks fly. Grab your partner, pull him or her close with a hand around the waist and cradling the back of his or her head, and plant a power kiss.

Sex New Kiss #5: The Ice-Cube Kiss

On a hot summer day, you can still make chills run up and down your date’s spine by popping an ice cube into your mouth or eating a popsicle… then kiss until you get goosebumps.

Sexy New Kiss #6: Altoid Kiss with a Twist

Those mints that you keep in your pocket can help you with more than just your breath. Try this trick for a tingling sensation, and a tasty game of hide-and-seek. Tuck an Altoid in the back of your cheek and let your kisser try to pull it into his/her mouth with his/her tongue. It makes for some sexy deep kissing, and a really cool feeling.

Sexy New Kiss #7: The Sugar Smooch

Food and kissing can be a great combination, but let’s just say that certain snacks are better-suited than others—and one of the best is marshmallow fluff. Why? It’s sweet, smooth, and melts in your mouth (so you won’t have to swap a big gob of food).

Sexy New Kiss #8: The Stop-and-Go Kiss

This kissing game will get you steaming up the windows of your car in no time: When driving somewhere, promise to smooch every time you’re waiting at a red light. Whether you’ve got time for a full-blown make-out session or just a peck on the lips, it certainly beats just sitting there waiting impatiently, plus it can become a sexy new aspect of your relationship.


More Q&A will be posted soon.