Dear Dr. Locker: I'm 28 and just found out that my boyfriend of 8 months is still on match .com! His profile was "active within 24 hours" after we had just spent the whole weekend together. What should I do?
Answer from Dr. Locker
You need to talk to him about this, and try to find out the truth about what he is doing on match. He may have a compulsive desire to stay on match in order to feel an ego boost when he sees that women are interested in him. If he e-mails the women, or IMs with them on match, he may also get a thrill from active flirting. Or maybe he is also calling them, or dating them. Until you get to the bottom of this, please do not assume that you have an exclusive relationship. He might tell you that he has not met any women in person, and he does not plan to, but rather just likes to see who is out there and who is interested in him. If so, then if you don't like that he is doing this, then tell him that he must get over this terrible habit. (In my opinion, it is no different from if he went to a singles' bar and flirted with women there, but did not exchange numbers or see them again.) In order to be committed to you, I think he should cancel his match account, and show you proof that it is canceled. He should also be sure to tell you the truth about if he belongs to any other dating sites, or if he looks to meet women off-line in any other way. If he is actually looking to meet another woman, then you and he should talk seriously about if you should even stay together when he does not want to be exclusive. If you had been thinking that your relationship would be moving toward marriage, then you and he really need to iron these issues out. Is he capable of making a real commitment to you? Find out what he really wants, and think about what you want. Also, since he was on match during the weekend that you spent together, then you may want to find out when he is stealing these secret moments to go online, and if he has been lying to you about what he is doing in any other ways.
Overall, think about this: Is this a great relationship for you in every other way, or is this just one of many problems?
If it is the right relationship for you and he says that he really wants to be exclusive with you, then you surely can work through this issue. If you stay together, the two of you would probably benefit from seeing a couple's counselor to work out any issue that you have as a result of this sort of betrayal.
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