Sex Advice

Dear Dr. Locker: My fiance disclosed that she had a threesome (MFF) before we got together. She said she liked the girl-to-girl part. She says she doesn't want to have a threesome with me, because she doesn't want to share me. Should I be worried she might cheat to have a lesbian experience? Why does it bother me this much? Am I just being stupid?

Answer from Dr. Locker

You are certainly not being stupid -- just a bit jealous and insecure. You probably have nothing to worry about. She loves you, right?! She is looking forward to marrying you, yes?! And she says she wants to be faithful, right?! If you and she have a good relationship, then nothing should make her want to cheat on you.

It is natural for anyone to worry that a partner could cheat, but if you and she talk as openly as you seem to, then you may have a better chance at fidelity than some other people. Honesty is key. Because she told you about her threesome, she doesn't seem like the type of person who keeps secrets. That's a great sign that she may be trustworthy. Someone who is naturally trustworthy may be less likely to cheat. Also, just because she was with a woman once, that certainly does not mean that she would ever feel driven to do it again. There are women who have an experience like hers, and then get married and stay happily married forever.

Of course, to be totally honest here, there are no real guarantees with any relationship. So you are going to have to work on your own feelings of insecurity in order to live with the fact that even the best relationships always have some uncertainly. Here is a way to deal with your feelings:

When you and she have some time together (in person), talk with her about the importance of fidelity. If you feel that you want to be with only her for the rest of your life, then tell her that. And ask her if she is okay with being faithful to you, too. It seems like she will be fine with that, because she already told you that she wouldn't want to share you. You and she should be very clear about how important it is that you both stay faithful. Then stop worrying about this so much, and just enjoy your relationship with her. The best relationships are those in which people talk about their issues when they need to, but they do not spend most of their time together worrying about stuff like this. You need to have fun together, laugh together, share your hobbies and interests, enjoy yourselves, and develop a good sex life with her. In order to do those things, you have to stop thinking about her past! Focus on n-o-w. Focus on loving her. Enjoy who she is now, and think about all the joy you and she will share now and in your future.

PS: If you find that you still are jealous and insecure after months of trying to put her past out of your thoughts (and if she is not giving you any reason to worry), then you may really benefit from talking to a counselor or therapist to help you stop obsessing and start just enjoying your relationship.

Copyright © Dr. Sari Locker