Sex Advice

Dear Dr. Locker: I searched to find that my husband is looking at online porn and paid for an adult dating service -- Help!

Answer from Dr. Locker

You need to be careful not to get obsessed with trying to find out more and more of his secret information. Rather than do that, you need to talk with him and start putting your energies into working on your relationship. While you explain to him what you know about what he is doing, try as hard as you can to stay calm and treat this as an important issue that you and he need to take care of in order to maintain a healthy marriage -- rather than something to just get angry about. You’re at the point where you need to get him to go to therapy with you to help your relationship. He may also need to see a therapist alone, because it will probably be difficult for him to stop the “diversions” that he has picked up. When a married man looks at a lot of porn online and goes so far as joining dating service to look for real people to chat with or to meet, then he most likely has a compulsion (a very strong habit) that drives him to do these things. This may not just be something that he can quit cold-turkey. He probably needs therapy to get him over the habitual nature of this. For you to learn to trust again is not easy either, which is why you may want to see a therapist on your own, too. In terms of couples therapy, you and he need to figure out together why you are each not satisfied in your marriage, and what you can each do to fix things. Seeing a therapist who specialized in relationships and marriage therapy may be able to help you. It will be difficult, but couples can work to get through such things with honesty, patience and determination. Good luck with this difficult process.


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