Sex Advice

Dear Dr. Locker: I give oral sex to my boyfriend often. But my boyfriend is disgusted with the idea of giving oral sex to me. What can I do to get him to give me oral sex?

Answer from Dr. Locker

Part of a good sex life is reciprocating, and providing pleasure so that both people are satisfied. If his turn-off about cunnilingus is that he thinks that a woman’s vagina is dirty or smells “fishy”, then please explain to him that the vagina is a self cleaning organ, not too different from your eye. Try taking a bath together with the intention of having oral sex afterwards. Let him touch your vagina during the bath, even gently lather it up, so that he starts to feel comfortable with the idea that it is clean. Another technique to help him, is trying to give him a new flavor by mixing food and sex. Put some spray whipped cream on his penis and lick it off, then ask him to put some of it on the outside of your vagina and lick it off.

Perhaps most importantly: talk with him about why oral sex feels good, and how you would like him to do it. Explain detailed cunnilingus technique to him. Make sure he understands that he does not need to put his whole face into you in a way that he will suffocate. Tell him that he can use the tip of his tongue on your clitoris only if that’s more comfortable for him, and (if you like this) he can put a finger inside you at the same time. A lot of guys just want to know exactly how to perform oral sex, and their fear about doing it stems from worrying that they will “do it wrong.”

Explain to him that the pleasure he loves from getting oral sex is like the pleasure you want to get from oral sex. Then find a way to make it seem mutual to him, such as getting into the 69 position in which you both have oral sex on each other at the same time.

Also, some guys think that it’s not “macho” to go down on a woman. There is no gender issue in providing pleasure, but if he thinks he’s “servicing” you then he may see it differently. If he has those sorts of emotional or psychological hang ups over it, then he needs to find a way to work through it.

If cleanliness, technique, not understanding the importance of reciprocating, or “machismo” are not his issues, then maybe the issue is that he is afraid of intimacy. Research has found that 72% of men report that getting oral sex from a woman is “not intimate” to them -- but only 27% say that giving oral sex to a women is “not intimate”. In other words, many men see giving oral sex as one of the most intimate things they can do with a woman. If he has these sorts of emotional issues with oral sex, that’s something that you and he can talk about. Perhaps the longer you are together the more intimate he will be able to become with you. But don’t just wait for him to change. Instead keep talking about this issue, and the various techniques I discussed to try to get him to please you.


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